From a resume I came across this morning:
EXPERIENCE SUMMARY
Have 4.3 Years of extensive experience in Information Technology
You have 4.3 years of experience do you? 4.3? What the hell? We break down years by months, not decimals. Unfortunately for you, life consists of more than just figures you robotic fuck.
I'm trying to understand what amount of time 4.3 years would be. The best I can determine is that 30% of a year's time would occur 3.6 months into the year. So just over halfway through April.
It's upsetting I took the time to even figure that out. It's also upsetting that you're alive.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
As Starr says--"Another dumbass trying to get a job"
Starr in Tampa recently received this passive aggressive missive. It's long and painful. Get ready.
Hey Starr
You say that I am not qualified but you would think that being in the banking business for 10 years, I would know how a reverse mortgage works……its not hard.
I am looking for a salary plus commission job and this seems to be 100% commission job, so that might not work anyway.
But I did want to defend myself.
If anything I am over qualified for the job and know that I could do well.
The majority of my business is senior individuals that are investing in our local real estate market, so I know that I work well with that age group.
I have been a self motivated, producing sales manager for the past 9 years, and I have gained a mountain of knowledge in that time frame.
Sure I do not know what Met Life is offering seniors, but I know with my experience that it would not be hard to sell.
Thanks again for getting back with me and hope that you find what you think you are looking for.
Kindest regards
X Candidate
In Starr's words: Why can't people just accept it when a recruiter tells them they aren't a fit??? Does the part in my job description where I specifi...cally outline the experience required make no difference to these people?? I need you to blog about this (Consider it done, Starr!) to talk me down or I am going to eventually end up telling someone off and I don't think that is in the best interest of my career stability! Thanks!
Hey Starr
You say that I am not qualified but you would think that being in the banking business for 10 years, I would know how a reverse mortgage works……its not hard.
I am looking for a salary plus commission job and this seems to be 100% commission job, so that might not work anyway.
But I did want to defend myself.
If anything I am over qualified for the job and know that I could do well.
The majority of my business is senior individuals that are investing in our local real estate market, so I know that I work well with that age group.
I have been a self motivated, producing sales manager for the past 9 years, and I have gained a mountain of knowledge in that time frame.
Sure I do not know what Met Life is offering seniors, but I know with my experience that it would not be hard to sell.
Thanks again for getting back with me and hope that you find what you think you are looking for.
Kindest regards
X Candidate
In Starr's words: Why can't people just accept it when a recruiter tells them they aren't a fit??? Does the part in my job description where I specifi...cally outline the experience required make no difference to these people?? I need you to blog about this (Consider it done, Starr!) to talk me down or I am going to eventually end up telling someone off and I don't think that is in the best interest of my career stability! Thanks!
Word choice
I don't care how appopriate it is to your profession--There simply has to be a better way to say this:
Accountant cum audit assistant
Accountant cum audit assistant
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Your shitty resume
Listen up fucknut. Don't explain two years of your life on your resume by writing "Relocation and travel." Relocation and travel? I'm sitting here in some flourescent office 9 hours a day thinking about the time in your life when you had enough money to travel and relocate for two years? Fuck you. Fuck you and your travel.
Recruiters are in a business frame of mind when they're reading your resume. They're also comparing their life to yours. I've relocated before. It took awhile, yes, but I worked the whole time when I did it. I did the actual move over a weekend. I didn't miss any work. It certainly didn't take me two years and I didn't travel around and buy flowers and shit.
So my sympathy doesn't suddenly spring in to place when I read about your two vague years of travel and relocating. Come up with something better than that. I'd be more likely to call you if your resume said "I sat on my ass for two years because my girlfriend broke up with me and I was depressed." At least I could respect honesty. Your evasive, laconic ass on the other hand? Delete.
Recruiters are in a business frame of mind when they're reading your resume. They're also comparing their life to yours. I've relocated before. It took awhile, yes, but I worked the whole time when I did it. I did the actual move over a weekend. I didn't miss any work. It certainly didn't take me two years and I didn't travel around and buy flowers and shit.
So my sympathy doesn't suddenly spring in to place when I read about your two vague years of travel and relocating. Come up with something better than that. I'd be more likely to call you if your resume said "I sat on my ass for two years because my girlfriend broke up with me and I was depressed." At least I could respect honesty. Your evasive, laconic ass on the other hand? Delete.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Answering questions
Hey you little shitmonkey. You got lucky. I, the recruiter, was nice enough to send you an email asking you a short, simple question to see if you were worth interviewing. All you had to do was ANSWER THE FUCKING EMAIL. Just answer it. Is the commute too far for you? Yes or no.
Seemed simple, didn't it? Not for you, though. You received an email from a recruiter and got ALL EXCITED. You saw my work number and decided to call me and leave a voicemail requesting I call you back as soon as possible. But guess what you didn't do? The one fucking thing I asked! Yes or no. Answer the goddamn question!
You didn't answer my question but, really, you kind of did. Because behind my seemingly simple query was another, more important question: Do you have the ability to follow simple instructions? To give potential colleagues information they need? To get to the fucking point?
Turns out you don't. What you do have is an ability to not listen, overreact, and be pushy. Thanks for the voicemail though. I had a great time deleting it. Also, just for the record--I hate you. Thanks.
Until next time everyone!
Seemed simple, didn't it? Not for you, though. You received an email from a recruiter and got ALL EXCITED. You saw my work number and decided to call me and leave a voicemail requesting I call you back as soon as possible. But guess what you didn't do? The one fucking thing I asked! Yes or no. Answer the goddamn question!
You didn't answer my question but, really, you kind of did. Because behind my seemingly simple query was another, more important question: Do you have the ability to follow simple instructions? To give potential colleagues information they need? To get to the fucking point?
Turns out you don't. What you do have is an ability to not listen, overreact, and be pushy. Thanks for the voicemail though. I had a great time deleting it. Also, just for the record--I hate you. Thanks.
Until next time everyone!
Friday, July 24, 2009
You're Lucky You Have a Job
We all make mistakes, some more grave than others. Which is perhaps the reason you’re currently unemployed. Today I received the following drivel from a prospect who claims we initially spoke a year ago:
“I beleive you remember me we were at some point of time was working on some position at ____ but because of some time factor at that time I already Joined ____ and I missed that opportunity to join with you I am still at ____ these days .”
From what I’ve gleaned, this Paradigm of Syntax is interested in a position with my firm, though it sounds like he’s still gainfully employed (which saddens me given the unemployment rate, I must admit). Did I respond to this message? Fuck no, because in order to decipher it I’d have to ask AltaVista for an English to English translation. Not everyone was beaten by nuns if they didn’t remember the 77 prepositions, but a simple proofreading would’ve worked wonders for this e-mail. I’ll give him a pass if he doesn’t grasp the concept of run-on sentences, though I’m fairly certain he didn’t mean to say that “we were at some point of time was working” since we don’t actually work for the same company. And let’s not even address the improper capitalization of “Joined.” I really can’t today.
I know that no one is impervious to making a blunder here and there (even if I have mistakenly written “manger” instead of “manager” on a resume), yet if you’re exerting yourself enough to apply for a new job, at least take the time to do it right. Spelling and grammar checks can go a long way, particularly when you’re relying on e-mail to make a first impression. You may be scratching your head and saying to yourself, “Yeah, that’s pretty obvious,” but if that were the case, then I wouldn’t have to assault my eyes with the aforementioned bullshit on a daily basis.
“I beleive you remember me we were at some point of time was working on some position at ____ but because of some time factor at that time I already Joined ____ and I missed that opportunity to join with you I am still at ____ these days .”
From what I’ve gleaned, this Paradigm of Syntax is interested in a position with my firm, though it sounds like he’s still gainfully employed (which saddens me given the unemployment rate, I must admit). Did I respond to this message? Fuck no, because in order to decipher it I’d have to ask AltaVista for an English to English translation. Not everyone was beaten by nuns if they didn’t remember the 77 prepositions, but a simple proofreading would’ve worked wonders for this e-mail. I’ll give him a pass if he doesn’t grasp the concept of run-on sentences, though I’m fairly certain he didn’t mean to say that “we were at some point of time was working” since we don’t actually work for the same company. And let’s not even address the improper capitalization of “Joined.” I really can’t today.
I know that no one is impervious to making a blunder here and there (even if I have mistakenly written “manger” instead of “manager” on a resume), yet if you’re exerting yourself enough to apply for a new job, at least take the time to do it right. Spelling and grammar checks can go a long way, particularly when you’re relying on e-mail to make a first impression. You may be scratching your head and saying to yourself, “Yeah, that’s pretty obvious,” but if that were the case, then I wouldn’t have to assault my eyes with the aforementioned bullshit on a daily basis.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
A mathematical impossibility!
Worked at various international client locations including seven years in US in multiple roles that includes more than seven years in project management.
Accomplishments
Here's a simple resume tip--don't weave in national tragedies into your tale of personal accomplishments.
Resume bullet point:
• Configured and setup contingency and recovery utilizing MIMIX High Availability software. This was proven effective during Sept. 11 attack where switching to the backup took 1 hour with minimal impact to the global users and the futures business.
Resume bullet point:
• Configured and setup contingency and recovery utilizing MIMIX High Availability software. This was proven effective during Sept. 11 attack where switching to the backup took 1 hour with minimal impact to the global users and the futures business.
How to Piss Me off Royally
I’m going to let all of you unemployed bastards in on a little secret – recruiters hate you just as much as you hate them. Perhaps tenfold.
Today, for instance, one of my ingrates crudely finished off her missive by asking “How much money will I make?” Given that this was our first exchange after my initial “Saw your profile and would like the chance to speak with you” e-mail, I’ll venture to say that her salary will be jack shit.
What candidates don’t seem to realize is that recruiters have the power to veto a resume and in turn, your shot at a new job. While it’s of utmost importance to pull out every stop during an interview, your initial contact with a recruiter is what actually gets you through the door. Let’s put it this way – an actor may receive an Oscar nod, but only if he’s in the movie – and he’d better give somebody a hand-job in order to land that winning role.
Candidates also seem to think that recruiters have a penchant for non-disclosure. What do I meant by that exactly? The fact that you fucking call me ten times a day when I’ve already said that I don’t have any news for you. We’re not lying when we say “Sorry, but I haven’t heard back yet,” or “We’re not moving as quickly on this one as I’d hoped, unfortunately.” Banal, sure – yet true, nonetheless.
There’s nothing wrong with being steadfast, particularly in today’s market, but there is likewise a certain amount of tact that needs to be employed. Would you incessantly call your wife to ask her the same question everyday? Probably not, unless you’re a complete asshole. The point is that recruiters are attempting to fill a job just as industriously as you’re looking for one. Remember, that’s the main financial objective of what we do – hiring individuals who need work. We get paid when you get paid.
So, class, let’s review. It’s fine to follow up if you haven’t heard back in a few days; that I can stand behind. Or if you’ve actually interviewed somewhere and it’s been a week since we’ve last had contact, please, give me a call.
Otherwise, do us all a favor – don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Today, for instance, one of my ingrates crudely finished off her missive by asking “How much money will I make?” Given that this was our first exchange after my initial “Saw your profile and would like the chance to speak with you” e-mail, I’ll venture to say that her salary will be jack shit.
What candidates don’t seem to realize is that recruiters have the power to veto a resume and in turn, your shot at a new job. While it’s of utmost importance to pull out every stop during an interview, your initial contact with a recruiter is what actually gets you through the door. Let’s put it this way – an actor may receive an Oscar nod, but only if he’s in the movie – and he’d better give somebody a hand-job in order to land that winning role.
Candidates also seem to think that recruiters have a penchant for non-disclosure. What do I meant by that exactly? The fact that you fucking call me ten times a day when I’ve already said that I don’t have any news for you. We’re not lying when we say “Sorry, but I haven’t heard back yet,” or “We’re not moving as quickly on this one as I’d hoped, unfortunately.” Banal, sure – yet true, nonetheless.
There’s nothing wrong with being steadfast, particularly in today’s market, but there is likewise a certain amount of tact that needs to be employed. Would you incessantly call your wife to ask her the same question everyday? Probably not, unless you’re a complete asshole. The point is that recruiters are attempting to fill a job just as industriously as you’re looking for one. Remember, that’s the main financial objective of what we do – hiring individuals who need work. We get paid when you get paid.
So, class, let’s review. It’s fine to follow up if you haven’t heard back in a few days; that I can stand behind. Or if you’ve actually interviewed somewhere and it’s been a week since we’ve last had contact, please, give me a call.
Otherwise, do us all a favor – don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Just when things were going so well
Michael in Cleveland advises...
"When the recruiter tells the candidate they want to move forward with them, the candidate should not tell the recruiter 'Oh, one more thing. I work part time at a pet store on the weekend and they call me Mr. Biscuit.'"
"When the recruiter tells the candidate they want to move forward with them, the candidate should not tell the recruiter 'Oh, one more thing. I work part time at a pet store on the weekend and they call me Mr. Biscuit.'"
Deez what?
Emily in North Carolina gingerly explains to candidates...
"When I go to get you water, do not use the conference room phone to pay your Mastercard bill. And when I return, don't tell me to "Hold on a minute" while you finish up the task. Idiot. Not hired.
Oh I must include this true story tip too: When selecting your references, make sure none of them will respond to me with "Deez Nuts" to any question I ask, no matter how ridiculous I may sound. Deez Nuts is rarely appropriate during the recruiting process."
"When I go to get you water, do not use the conference room phone to pay your Mastercard bill. And when I return, don't tell me to "Hold on a minute" while you finish up the task. Idiot. Not hired.
Oh I must include this true story tip too: When selecting your references, make sure none of them will respond to me with "Deez Nuts" to any question I ask, no matter how ridiculous I may sound. Deez Nuts is rarely appropriate during the recruiting process."
Cover Letter Faux Pas
You see how I did that? How I spelled "faux pas" correctly? That's a good start for cover letters. Try not to be a terrible speller even if you are a terrible speller. By the way being a bad speller also means that you're a bad person. Yes it's sad but that's not something I can change.
Recruiter Starr in Tampa writes in with this cover letter spectacle:
i AM EXPIRIANCE WITH MORTGAGE INDSTURY FOR 25 YRS + I HAVE DONE REVERSE MORTGAGES EXCLANT COUMINCATION SKILLS WITH CNSUMERS AND LENDERS
Two thoughts come to mind. The first thought is that there are probably a lot of reasons why this person did not receive a proper education and at least they are trying to improve themselves now. The second is I don't care because this is ridiculous.
Where to begin? Do I even need to say anything? The irony behind the communication skills comment is not lost on me. Every person in America claims that they have strong communication skills on their resume. Guess what? Not all of you do. Not even close. Most of you suck. Think you don't? Take some tests and find out:
http://www.wadsworth.com/devenglish_d/special_features/grammarquizzes.html
Take a class. Read the freaking newspaper every day. Get better. Hurry.
Look, average job seeker, you sucked in school and now that everyone types their thoughts on the Internet it's quite obvious who paid attention and who didn't. This person didn't.
In short, never use caps lock unless you're breaking up with your prick boyfriend. Basic subject verb agreement--look into this topic. Also, don't randomly eliminate vowels from words. Which wouldn't happen in the first place if you knew how to spell, you fuck.
P.S.: I'm sure there are more polite blogs out there if our tone bothers you. Enjoy them and good day to you!
Recruiter Starr in Tampa writes in with this cover letter spectacle:
i AM EXPIRIANCE WITH MORTGAGE INDSTURY FOR 25 YRS + I HAVE DONE REVERSE MORTGAGES EXCLANT COUMINCATION SKILLS WITH CNSUMERS AND LENDERS
Two thoughts come to mind. The first thought is that there are probably a lot of reasons why this person did not receive a proper education and at least they are trying to improve themselves now. The second is I don't care because this is ridiculous.
Where to begin? Do I even need to say anything? The irony behind the communication skills comment is not lost on me. Every person in America claims that they have strong communication skills on their resume. Guess what? Not all of you do. Not even close. Most of you suck. Think you don't? Take some tests and find out:
http://www.wadsworth.com/devenglish_d/special_features/grammarquizzes.html
Take a class. Read the freaking newspaper every day. Get better. Hurry.
Look, average job seeker, you sucked in school and now that everyone types their thoughts on the Internet it's quite obvious who paid attention and who didn't. This person didn't.
In short, never use caps lock unless you're breaking up with your prick boyfriend. Basic subject verb agreement--look into this topic. Also, don't randomly eliminate vowels from words. Which wouldn't happen in the first place if you knew how to spell, you fuck.
P.S.: I'm sure there are more polite blogs out there if our tone bothers you. Enjoy them and good day to you!
Better Days Ahead, Even For Fuck Ups Like You
Welcome to the rest of your life. A better life. One where you nimbly sidestep mistakes as you navigate a tough job market. A better resume, better interview performance--success so blindingly frightening you'll return to this blog and wish it never existed in the first place.
My recruiter friends and I see stupid shit all the time and it drives us up the wall. Be smart and cool like us and learn from the mistakes of others. And by "learn from the mistakes of others" we mean "make fun of other people in every possible way in the pursuit of a brief second of amusement." You're not going to get ruthless, withering critiques from a boring ass career book at Borders. Here, you will.
Seriously you guys, this is important shit so straighten your tie and/or blouse and pay attention. And for the love of Christ, quit fucking up so bad!
My recruiter friends and I see stupid shit all the time and it drives us up the wall. Be smart and cool like us and learn from the mistakes of others. And by "learn from the mistakes of others" we mean "make fun of other people in every possible way in the pursuit of a brief second of amusement." You're not going to get ruthless, withering critiques from a boring ass career book at Borders. Here, you will.
Seriously you guys, this is important shit so straighten your tie and/or blouse and pay attention. And for the love of Christ, quit fucking up so bad!
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