Time

From a resume I came across this morning:

EXPERIENCE SUMMARY

Have 4.3 Years of extensive experience in Information Technology

You have 4.3 years of experience do you? 4.3? What the hell? We break down years by months, not decimals. Unfortunately for you, life consists of more than just figures you robotic fuck.

I'm trying to understand what amount of time 4.3 years would be. The best I can determine is that 30% of a year's time would occur 3.6 months into the year. So just over halfway through April.

It's upsetting I took the time to even figure that out. It's also upsetting that you're alive.

As Starr says--"Another dumbass trying to get a job"

Starr in Tampa recently received this passive aggressive missive. It's long and painful. Get ready.


Hey Starr
You say that I am not qualified but you would think that being in the banking business for 10 years, I would know how a reverse mortgage works……its not hard.
I am looking for a salary plus commission job and this seems to be 100% commission job, so that might not work anyway.
But I did want to defend myself.
If anything I am over qualified for the job and know that I could do well.
The majority of my business is senior individuals that are investing in our local real estate market, so I know that I work well with that age group.
I have been a self motivated, producing sales manager for the past 9 years, and I have gained a mountain of knowledge in that time frame.
Sure I do not know what Met Life is offering seniors, but I know with my experience that it would not be hard to sell.
Thanks again for getting back with me and hope that you find what you think you are looking for.
Kindest regards

X Candidate


In Starr's words: Why can't people just accept it when a recruiter tells them they aren't a fit??? Does the part in my job description where I specifi...cally outline the experience required make no difference to these people?? I need you to blog about this (Consider it done, Starr!) to talk me down or I am going to eventually end up telling someone off and I don't think that is in the best interest of my career stability! Thanks!

Word choice

I don't care how appopriate it is to your profession--There simply has to be a better way to say this:

Accountant cum audit assistant

Your shitty resume

Listen up fucknut. Don't explain two years of your life on your resume by writing "Relocation and travel." Relocation and travel? I'm sitting here in some flourescent office 9 hours a day thinking about the time in your life when you had enough money to travel and relocate for two years? Fuck you. Fuck you and your travel.

Recruiters are in a business frame of mind when they're reading your resume. They're also comparing their life to yours. I've relocated before. It took awhile, yes, but I worked the whole time when I did it. I did the actual move over a weekend. I didn't miss any work. It certainly didn't take me two years and I didn't travel around and buy flowers and shit.

So my sympathy doesn't suddenly spring in to place when I read about your two vague years of travel and relocating. Come up with something better than that. I'd be more likely to call you if your resume said "I sat on my ass for two years because my girlfriend broke up with me and I was depressed." At least I could respect honesty. Your evasive, laconic ass on the other hand? Delete.

Answering questions

Hey you little shitmonkey. You got lucky. I, the recruiter, was nice enough to send you an email asking you a short, simple question to see if you were worth interviewing. All you had to do was ANSWER THE FUCKING EMAIL. Just answer it. Is the commute too far for you? Yes or no.

Seemed simple, didn't it? Not for you, though. You received an email from a recruiter and got ALL EXCITED. You saw my work number and decided to call me and leave a voicemail requesting I call you back as soon as possible. But guess what you didn't do? The one fucking thing I asked! Yes or no. Answer the goddamn question!

You didn't answer my question but, really, you kind of did. Because behind my seemingly simple query was another, more important question: Do you have the ability to follow simple instructions? To give potential colleagues information they need? To get to the fucking point?

Turns out you don't. What you do have is an ability to not listen, overreact, and be pushy. Thanks for the voicemail though. I had a great time deleting it. Also, just for the record--I hate you. Thanks.

Until next time everyone!

You're Lucky You Have a Job

We all make mistakes, some more grave than others. Which is perhaps the reason you’re currently unemployed. Today I received the following drivel from a prospect who claims we initially spoke a year ago:

“I beleive you remember me we were at some point of time was working on some position at ____ but because of some time factor at that time I already Joined ____ and I missed that opportunity to join with you I am still at ____ these days .”

From what I’ve gleaned, this Paradigm of Syntax is interested in a position with my firm, though it sounds like he’s still gainfully employed (which saddens me given the unemployment rate, I must admit). Did I respond to this message? Fuck no, because in order to decipher it I’d have to ask AltaVista for an English to English translation. Not everyone was beaten by nuns if they didn’t remember the 77 prepositions, but a simple proofreading would’ve worked wonders for this e-mail. I’ll give him a pass if he doesn’t grasp the concept of run-on sentences, though I’m fairly certain he didn’t mean to say that “we were at some point of time was working” since we don’t actually work for the same company. And let’s not even address the improper capitalization of “Joined.” I really can’t today.

I know that no one is impervious to making a blunder here and there (even if I have mistakenly written “manger” instead of “manager” on a resume), yet if you’re exerting yourself enough to apply for a new job, at least take the time to do it right. Spelling and grammar checks can go a long way, particularly when you’re relying on e-mail to make a first impression. You may be scratching your head and saying to yourself, “Yeah, that’s pretty obvious,” but if that were the case, then I wouldn’t have to assault my eyes with the aforementioned bullshit on a daily basis.

A mathematical impossibility!

Worked at various international client locations including seven years in US in multiple roles that includes more than seven years in project management.